"CHAINED EXISTENCE"

This role I am doomed to play is that of a double edged sword. It's foundation is shaking in red when the vision of us begins to disappear. Fate has played it's cruel trick, now there is no where I can reach out to you. No longer having the purpose for the dream of the future we once shared, I drift with the current of time. So this existence of mine has become a shield or sword for others, like you were once for me. For I want to help protect the meek, and everything they wish to defend. However the actions of my past and this new resolve have created an inner war, one that I can not win by my hands alone. Shouldering the burden of the past, is not an easy feat accomplish. Yet if I am to move onward and recover that once abandoned emotion , I must find a way to bring life to this empty shell again. The chains that have sealed me in this tiresome land are beginning to constrict those selfless thoughts. No matter how much I struggle, I know the sadistic truth of this reality. I am caged on this red moon, within this cold dark reality where hope has died. My primitive need for the survival of your fading memory and unblemished smile has grown tired. The demon that resides on my right whispers to me, that I should just let it all vanish during midnights hour. While the fallen angel that sits on my left states, everything of my past has meaning to my future. Even though the sickness eats away at my blackened heart and the longing for lost hope pulls at my tired soul. I know neither are correct, and none are wrong. I must make my path of fate work for me, with the choices of the past always encumbering me. I shall try to head towards that land where hope still lives.

Back from my writing vacation

So it's been quite some time since I have been able to put any writings together. Even now I'm finding it difficult to get the juices going, I think its due to the fact that my life has become very stagnant. No work and all play has made this writer a very boring man, yet there has been some eventful turns this year. Some good yet most were bad. I have cut back on smoking drastically, my plan was to quit but things don't always work out the way you want. Though going from a pack a day to 2 packs a week ( at most ) is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm starting to cut back on my soda intake and switching it with arizona teas, it just finally seems like it time for that to happen. That's really all the good stuff, now for the bad. It has been over a year since I have worked, and this boredom is starting to make me go slightly more insane than normal. I'm 5 months away from being 29 and my life still has no sense of direction, or purpose. Then of there is the most troubling on a personal level, I have lost 3 people that I cared about this year. Every time I went to the funeral or home during the week of mourning I met the family members with my cool indifference. Which has re awakened my thoughts from earlier this year, I know people deal with grief differently. Yet I highly doubt it's normal the way my mind "copes" with these situations. Sleep for me is too hard to come by or shortly lived, catching only a few hours at a time. For now I thinking I'll just melt my brain with good old fashioned tv till I pass out. Goodnight

" Demise Of Hope "

Glory has turned into ash, and is swirling in the whirlpool of oblivion. Lost in saddness, I constantly struggle to rise up against it to find my way. These bloody memories seem like they would haunt me till the end of my days. The demise of hope will never permit the blissful silence to return to me. My last slumber showed me a monochrome vision with no end. So I desperately seek a way to escape from this twisted dream. Even though I have ler go of everything I had once possessed, I find myself looking for you. This cold shell feals nothing but the pains of loss. A long time ago I threw away all hope of us together again. Now I know that the path back to that vivid peaceful time is lost. Like dawns first light, it fades into day once released. Yet there is still something here, inside this frozen chest of mine. Numb to everything, I should start to gather all of my scattered emotions. I am begining to learn the designs of which true sorrow has in store for me. As the memories of you fade, they take away your warmth I have known. Leaving only a darkness that envelopes my black heart. Even if there commes a time where I am my sole ally, I will survive. When everyone becomes my enemies, and I can no longer find you in my mind. That will be the lands barren of all hope, which will be a land full of unspeakable pain. There is nothing that can shake my demonic heart from this futile resolve.

Haunted memories

Where to begin.... I know I am very protective of my family and friends but on a certain level it would be cut off where I was able to step aside. Yet for one it has been difficult to do that with, in a way it's reassuring . I know u'll read this sometime or other so I just wanna say it's ok, I don't mind. Tonight during ur latest crisis I heard something that made it all click. In many ways u remind me of "M" , it's difficult to explain so let me try. In many ways I felt like she was my salvation, always trying to better herself. No matter how many times she got trampled on she never once said " screw this I'm done" rather " how can I do it ". So I guess subconsciously I see her in u and feel the need to be there to help you stand when u fall. Do not get this wrong this isn't a confession of love...we have already clarified on that subject. This is more of a desire that u understand where I truely come from, I guess in a way I kinda see u as my salvation as well... There is so many things I have in my past which I do not regret, that will always stain my hands. However the way I c it, if I can help u maybe, just maybe there is hope for me yet. Even if I have to go back to who I was to help chase away trouble-some things , I'll do it with no quams. So please know that I truly mean it whenever I say "no prob" or the like, ok this is starting to get too touchy feely on me. I'm out, peace

" Behind The Veil " *NEW*

The veil that covered my disturbing actions covered by shadows is vanishing. The time for me to finish everything I have started, and must accomplish is nearly here. Like this season of bitter cold uncaring tears, I fear my time may be coming to an end. Yet my mind waver while counting the undistinguishable corpses that were vanquished by it's war games. These hands have almost decayed completely to the ivory white bone, that lays underneath the remaining blistered flesh. Even now that the skin barely remains, It seems these vivid bloodstains will not be cleansed. This heart that used to beat with excitement and compassion has died, only a withered black comparison resides in it's cage. The treachery of old friends and deaths of former allies have formed this unfeeling brute standing in front of you. Though as this husk of my former self, I have met ones more admirable then thise of my past. Surrounded by new allies and kindred spirits, I know I currently reside in impenetrable solitude. Fighting these in wars alone seem like walking through a field of barbwire, yet it most be done. No matter how much is accomplished, no matter how many fall by my blade all I seem to do is wound myself. This is not the time I change my dark ways, for I know that scars will form only to help in upcoming battles. So searching the skies with my tired bloodied eyes, I wait for the raging storm upon the horizon. Grey clouds bursting with doom and grief hover low above my body as I prepair to take a fighting pose. Unknown to my current mindset if it is this sleeping town or the arduous journey ahead. My constantly raging inner shadow has become uncommonly silent, for the first time in close to a decade I feel at peace with war. Finally I have been able to reach this rotted out inner temple, the only dreaded place where my demons come out to play. For the battle that us about to occur I must become of the like, allowing my former corrupt morals to take over. Raising an unholy hell I shall paint this town red with the smells of unfiltered carnage. Empty answers are offered and immediately viewed as moot, for they tempt me with a salvation I no longer desire. This world has proclaimed to know the darkness within me for one too many tines. The time has come for me to break free from these mortal coils of right and wrong. For my moment has begun now I shall show my true form, and show this planet how very unjust it has been.

" Voice Of A Nation "

With our holy places desecrated, with the vilest scum of the earth of human knowledge. Those were dark days for us among the rest of the populace, making us fear for our religon and lives. Amongst the silence of the world a small battle cry started to emerge, slowly growing louder like a thunderstorm over the horizon. This voice was carried louder by the growing few who would not stand to hide in the blackness. They began to brighten the way for the rest of us only to have then heavens shake with our collective cry. We overcame that despot and evil tyranny by showing him his last " light", then showed the world here we stand united as one. Later days we were faced with an evil " rat " who wanted to destroy us more then our faith, and we faced the anger of a once friendly faces. Now it was the voice of one, who rose to create a plan of action. Which with the help of another awoke the ally we had in a king to come to our aid. In the end a fledging tree of peace was planted, with the rat's demise as it's first fruit. This made us rise up and show the world we can be an ally even if becoming something we are not for a day or two. Not to long ago an entire nation took up this tragic mantle, not to conform us but to make us extinct. Now our collective cry for help started, small at first like a new born child. As it grew louder and stronger it awoke the tree that was planted long ago. Not bringing us help from one but a few nations, who said enough. We though we are safe, yet this is exile. So now we face an even more horrendous evil, nations who want to wipe us out. Who not only want our home, but our blood. They do not care about changing us it is the simplest hate man can know. The memory of the most recent fallen innocent victims are proof of this. This happened shortly before our day of pretending to be what we are not. Now please listen to my voice, cry out and shout alongside me my family of faith. It is time to remind the world of who we are, the tree seems to be dying. Make them remember we are the oldest of nations. We may not be worldly loved, yet do not fear because history shows we out live our trials. Those who have come to destroy us have met their demise. It is still the day of joy in our home. So show your smiles, talk of pain and suffering while while your teeth shine. You might wonder why, I say cause this too will end and we shall celebrate again. Though on this planet we might be alone, in faith we are truly one family and this is something to be known

" Eye Of My Storm "

I have become numb to the normal view of saddness, all that I have left is the despair of it's loss. Though love and joy still have an exsistance in my cold heart, they are constantly over-powered by hate and boundless rage. Recent events have awakened the combination of them both, I now stand within the " eye of my storm ". My sight is no longer clouded, my hands are steady for action. Yet I am at a loss, feelling powerless to avenge the innocent is not a pleasant emotion. I will not shed a tear, I shall no pray for outside answers. I know I have no way to exact vengeance upon the evils that occurred , so I seek answers from my storm. Only this pen and paper is my power, so I shall try to show my voice to the world. It is simple to place blame for these repugnant actions. It is easy to say it was meant to be for some karma-like reasoning. However the hardest thing that can and must be done, is to find acceptance and move on. For now there is little that can be done by this rage fueled mind, it can only project this though to the rest of you. We live amongst the heartless villains of this planet, and they have become invisible to the rest of the world. Oftenly crying when justice is given for their devious ways. There is no nation that can help us, we do not have an army we can call our ally. So with this morbid realization, there seems to be only one conclusion. We must become our own to protect our own, and we shall be a force to be feared. Student and teacher shall take up arms, we will show to the rest how we have won over countless generations. Though we will have to throw away our morals, and sink to the level of these childish attacks of the vermin. The one's who can find joy in their horrific unjust backstabbing. For then we shall show them how we play this game of war, we will show how we win. To leave no stone intact, make no city safe for these lepers of the human race. They are the decaying black tumor on our world, and we are the surgeons to save it. For on the same field of war, history shows they can not out live us. With memories of the fallen, we will carve through this suffocating darkness. This will bring the world it's light , that the rest so desperately long to see.