"CHAINED EXISTENCE"

This role I am doomed to play is that of a double edged sword. It's foundation is shaking in red when the vision of us begins to disappear. Fate has played it's cruel trick, now there is no where I can reach out to you. No longer having the purpose for the dream of the future we once shared, I drift with the current of time. So this existence of mine has become a shield or sword for others, like you were once for me. For I want to help protect the meek, and everything they wish to defend. However the actions of my past and this new resolve have created an inner war, one that I can not win by my hands alone. Shouldering the burden of the past, is not an easy feat accomplish. Yet if I am to move onward and recover that once abandoned emotion , I must find a way to bring life to this empty shell again. The chains that have sealed me in this tiresome land are beginning to constrict those selfless thoughts. No matter how much I struggle, I know the sadistic truth of this reality. I am caged on this red moon, within this cold dark reality where hope has died. My primitive need for the survival of your fading memory and unblemished smile has grown tired. The demon that resides on my right whispers to me, that I should just let it all vanish during midnights hour. While the fallen angel that sits on my left states, everything of my past has meaning to my future. Even though the sickness eats away at my blackened heart and the longing for lost hope pulls at my tired soul. I know neither are correct, and none are wrong. I must make my path of fate work for me, with the choices of the past always encumbering me. I shall try to head towards that land where hope still lives.

Back from my writing vacation

So it's been quite some time since I have been able to put any writings together. Even now I'm finding it difficult to get the juices going, I think its due to the fact that my life has become very stagnant. No work and all play has made this writer a very boring man, yet there has been some eventful turns this year. Some good yet most were bad. I have cut back on smoking drastically, my plan was to quit but things don't always work out the way you want. Though going from a pack a day to 2 packs a week ( at most ) is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm starting to cut back on my soda intake and switching it with arizona teas, it just finally seems like it time for that to happen. That's really all the good stuff, now for the bad. It has been over a year since I have worked, and this boredom is starting to make me go slightly more insane than normal. I'm 5 months away from being 29 and my life still has no sense of direction, or purpose. Then of there is the most troubling on a personal level, I have lost 3 people that I cared about this year. Every time I went to the funeral or home during the week of mourning I met the family members with my cool indifference. Which has re awakened my thoughts from earlier this year, I know people deal with grief differently. Yet I highly doubt it's normal the way my mind "copes" with these situations. Sleep for me is too hard to come by or shortly lived, catching only a few hours at a time. For now I thinking I'll just melt my brain with good old fashioned tv till I pass out. Goodnight

" Demise Of Hope "

Glory has turned into ash, and is swirling in the whirlpool of oblivion. Lost in saddness, I constantly struggle to rise up against it to find my way. These bloody memories seem like they would haunt me till the end of my days. The demise of hope will never permit the blissful silence to return to me. My last slumber showed me a monochrome vision with no end. So I desperately seek a way to escape from this twisted dream. Even though I have ler go of everything I had once possessed, I find myself looking for you. This cold shell feals nothing but the pains of loss. A long time ago I threw away all hope of us together again. Now I know that the path back to that vivid peaceful time is lost. Like dawns first light, it fades into day once released. Yet there is still something here, inside this frozen chest of mine. Numb to everything, I should start to gather all of my scattered emotions. I am begining to learn the designs of which true sorrow has in store for me. As the memories of you fade, they take away your warmth I have known. Leaving only a darkness that envelopes my black heart. Even if there commes a time where I am my sole ally, I will survive. When everyone becomes my enemies, and I can no longer find you in my mind. That will be the lands barren of all hope, which will be a land full of unspeakable pain. There is nothing that can shake my demonic heart from this futile resolve.

Haunted memories

Where to begin.... I know I am very protective of my family and friends but on a certain level it would be cut off where I was able to step aside. Yet for one it has been difficult to do that with, in a way it's reassuring . I know u'll read this sometime or other so I just wanna say it's ok, I don't mind. Tonight during ur latest crisis I heard something that made it all click. In many ways u remind me of "M" , it's difficult to explain so let me try. In many ways I felt like she was my salvation, always trying to better herself. No matter how many times she got trampled on she never once said " screw this I'm done" rather " how can I do it ". So I guess subconsciously I see her in u and feel the need to be there to help you stand when u fall. Do not get this wrong this isn't a confession of love...we have already clarified on that subject. This is more of a desire that u understand where I truely come from, I guess in a way I kinda see u as my salvation as well... There is so many things I have in my past which I do not regret, that will always stain my hands. However the way I c it, if I can help u maybe, just maybe there is hope for me yet. Even if I have to go back to who I was to help chase away trouble-some things , I'll do it with no quams. So please know that I truly mean it whenever I say "no prob" or the like, ok this is starting to get too touchy feely on me. I'm out, peace

" Behind The Veil " *NEW*

The veil that covered my disturbing actions covered by shadows is vanishing. The time for me to finish everything I have started, and must accomplish is nearly here. Like this season of bitter cold uncaring tears, I fear my time may be coming to an end. Yet my mind waver while counting the undistinguishable corpses that were vanquished by it's war games. These hands have almost decayed completely to the ivory white bone, that lays underneath the remaining blistered flesh. Even now that the skin barely remains, It seems these vivid bloodstains will not be cleansed. This heart that used to beat with excitement and compassion has died, only a withered black comparison resides in it's cage. The treachery of old friends and deaths of former allies have formed this unfeeling brute standing in front of you. Though as this husk of my former self, I have met ones more admirable then thise of my past. Surrounded by new allies and kindred spirits, I know I currently reside in impenetrable solitude. Fighting these in wars alone seem like walking through a field of barbwire, yet it most be done. No matter how much is accomplished, no matter how many fall by my blade all I seem to do is wound myself. This is not the time I change my dark ways, for I know that scars will form only to help in upcoming battles. So searching the skies with my tired bloodied eyes, I wait for the raging storm upon the horizon. Grey clouds bursting with doom and grief hover low above my body as I prepair to take a fighting pose. Unknown to my current mindset if it is this sleeping town or the arduous journey ahead. My constantly raging inner shadow has become uncommonly silent, for the first time in close to a decade I feel at peace with war. Finally I have been able to reach this rotted out inner temple, the only dreaded place where my demons come out to play. For the battle that us about to occur I must become of the like, allowing my former corrupt morals to take over. Raising an unholy hell I shall paint this town red with the smells of unfiltered carnage. Empty answers are offered and immediately viewed as moot, for they tempt me with a salvation I no longer desire. This world has proclaimed to know the darkness within me for one too many tines. The time has come for me to break free from these mortal coils of right and wrong. For my moment has begun now I shall show my true form, and show this planet how very unjust it has been.

" Voice Of A Nation "

With our holy places desecrated, with the vilest scum of the earth of human knowledge. Those were dark days for us among the rest of the populace, making us fear for our religon and lives. Amongst the silence of the world a small battle cry started to emerge, slowly growing louder like a thunderstorm over the horizon. This voice was carried louder by the growing few who would not stand to hide in the blackness. They began to brighten the way for the rest of us only to have then heavens shake with our collective cry. We overcame that despot and evil tyranny by showing him his last " light", then showed the world here we stand united as one. Later days we were faced with an evil " rat " who wanted to destroy us more then our faith, and we faced the anger of a once friendly faces. Now it was the voice of one, who rose to create a plan of action. Which with the help of another awoke the ally we had in a king to come to our aid. In the end a fledging tree of peace was planted, with the rat's demise as it's first fruit. This made us rise up and show the world we can be an ally even if becoming something we are not for a day or two. Not to long ago an entire nation took up this tragic mantle, not to conform us but to make us extinct. Now our collective cry for help started, small at first like a new born child. As it grew louder and stronger it awoke the tree that was planted long ago. Not bringing us help from one but a few nations, who said enough. We though we are safe, yet this is exile. So now we face an even more horrendous evil, nations who want to wipe us out. Who not only want our home, but our blood. They do not care about changing us it is the simplest hate man can know. The memory of the most recent fallen innocent victims are proof of this. This happened shortly before our day of pretending to be what we are not. Now please listen to my voice, cry out and shout alongside me my family of faith. It is time to remind the world of who we are, the tree seems to be dying. Make them remember we are the oldest of nations. We may not be worldly loved, yet do not fear because history shows we out live our trials. Those who have come to destroy us have met their demise. It is still the day of joy in our home. So show your smiles, talk of pain and suffering while while your teeth shine. You might wonder why, I say cause this too will end and we shall celebrate again. Though on this planet we might be alone, in faith we are truly one family and this is something to be known

" Eye Of My Storm "

I have become numb to the normal view of saddness, all that I have left is the despair of it's loss. Though love and joy still have an exsistance in my cold heart, they are constantly over-powered by hate and boundless rage. Recent events have awakened the combination of them both, I now stand within the " eye of my storm ". My sight is no longer clouded, my hands are steady for action. Yet I am at a loss, feelling powerless to avenge the innocent is not a pleasant emotion. I will not shed a tear, I shall no pray for outside answers. I know I have no way to exact vengeance upon the evils that occurred , so I seek answers from my storm. Only this pen and paper is my power, so I shall try to show my voice to the world. It is simple to place blame for these repugnant actions. It is easy to say it was meant to be for some karma-like reasoning. However the hardest thing that can and must be done, is to find acceptance and move on. For now there is little that can be done by this rage fueled mind, it can only project this though to the rest of you. We live amongst the heartless villains of this planet, and they have become invisible to the rest of the world. Oftenly crying when justice is given for their devious ways. There is no nation that can help us, we do not have an army we can call our ally. So with this morbid realization, there seems to be only one conclusion. We must become our own to protect our own, and we shall be a force to be feared. Student and teacher shall take up arms, we will show to the rest how we have won over countless generations. Though we will have to throw away our morals, and sink to the level of these childish attacks of the vermin. The one's who can find joy in their horrific unjust backstabbing. For then we shall show them how we play this game of war, we will show how we win. To leave no stone intact, make no city safe for these lepers of the human race. They are the decaying black tumor on our world, and we are the surgeons to save it. For on the same field of war, history shows they can not out live us. With memories of the fallen, we will carve through this suffocating darkness. This will bring the world it's light , that the rest so desperately long to see.

My weekend mid day nap

So once again I was up for almost 20 consecutive hours till I decided to take a couple pills to help me sleep. It's not that I can't sleep it's that I have very vivid dreams , ones that I can remember for days on end. So I fight it cause even though I know that my past makes me who I am, I don't like reliving those memories. These meeds I'm given are supposed to make for a dreamless sleep or make it that I can't remember them.....needless to say it's not working. I woke up how I normally do after one of these dreams. I jerk awake like I just had a nightmare in a cold sweat my sheets are wet from it, and I have been crying. Yes I know before I said I don't dry out of sadness I should revise that statement. When I'm awake and running my daily life and I feel like I'm gonna cry it's like a switch shuts it off. I'll feel my eyes well up and water my nose will start to run, and then " bam" nothing it's like it never happened. Yet when I sleep apparently this is not the case, which in a way makes me somewhat relieved for I know it isn't a physical condition. What troubles me is that it's a mental one, and pyscoligical scars are harder to heal then of the flesh. Also I am in middle of a major case of writters block. Nothing in my head is connecting, I have the thoughts but when I have the pen ready to write all that comes is junk. Now more then ever I feel like I need to, cause when I do it's like a purge. So many things have been going wrong lately , and it's taking all of my energy just to go on day to day. Quitting smoking followed by my auto accident which has me on painkillers and muscle relaxants. Then a friend of mine passes away, top it all off with the lack of work and no money it's just all adding up to quickly. So things that suck right now, no friends nearby , no job, running outta money, and can't even count health at the moment. Things look bleak but I gotta keep my head up, I have always been able to find humor in dark places let's hope I can do it now. Ild love to end this entry on a brighter note but two things.... That isn't me and life doesn't always work that way. So bye for now hopefully things will turn around soon.

And another one bites the dust......That sucks time to move on

First I should probably apologize to the dead for this title, but I'm sure all but two would find that funny. Okay as you might have guessed by the title and last sentence this one is about the friends and family I have outlived, and the apparent effects it has had on me. This has been brought about by a close friend of mine who has passed on today. While speaking to his mother while trying to get a vehicle to take her to the air port to collect his remains, I had noticed something very troubling in my attitude. Just to explain one thing real quick, I don't get " emotional " easily now to give an example. You wake up Sunday morning weekend has been going great you have Monday off and all is looking good to you, so you sit down to eat breakfast and read the paper. On the front page you see the was a shooting on a street you used to walk down on the way to school everyday for 12 years of your life. You start to go cold then you... Cry? Scream? Shout? Become inconsolable? That's the majority reaction, me I don't get that I always think " that sucks " and I move on with my day. I always thought though if it's someone close to me, someone I truly cared about ild be able to cry, and shout, and scream yet today for the third time I have been shown differently.

Counting the people I can remember losing ( and having any kind of emotional impact on my life ) I can count six. The first was my grandmother ( dads mom ) that had turned me from a ........well half innocent angel to a full blown evil demon. I think I was around 7 or 9 at the time, and it was my first experience with death. Then was a close classmate of mine I was 15, both of the loner breed we kinda just hung out together. Though he was born sick and everyday he was alive past 13 was a miracle according to the doctors it still was a shock to me. I vividly remember all the fights I got into because all these people claiming to be his friends showed up to give their support the day he needed it the least. It took me 3 months to give my condolences to his parents and siblings, every time I got to their steps I was over come with panic and ran the other way. Then it was her turn, and I know this was my turning point. Now I'm not gonna lie to myself and say it was the perfect time of my life, and nothing will b as good as it was. Because it wasn't, we had fights, we would split up for months on end. Yet somehow we always knew we were meant for each other and forgot and forgave quicker then you could imagine. When she passed, I was a wreck thankfully I wasn't around family so much, so they didn't see the drinking and fights that follow for a couple of months. Then one day I when I realized my alcohol tolerance had gotten to be the level reserved for Irish dock workers, that I had to slow down. That living like that would never help, that I had to move on cause the world wasn't going to stop for me.

That is when my " cold indifference " started, slowly at first accidents and the like and then towards death. Though I was remotely troubled by it I had told myself " when I know them I'll feel bad" . Then my grandfather died, a man who I didn't have the best relationship with... But I still loved him. Yet I couldn't cry, I didn't really mourn the typical way. All I had was this new kind of anger and self loathing that I couldn't process this a healthy way. Certain it would build up and in a few months I would snap behind some poor fool who bump into my arm. I never did thankfully, but I never shed a tear for him either. Then there was this kid I was a mentor to who..... A year after I left the town he lived in he took his own life. You would think that would make me cry, or even have pangs of guilt for not seeing this potentially happening? Again I felt nothing but anger and disgust in myself for being separate from everyone else. Now it was Matt a guy who instantly when I moved here became like a brother to me, and I to him. The first person who made this " forced relocation" to Baltimore seem alright. Sure it has been almost a year since we were able to meet up for drinks to catch up, him and his wife free from Maryland with tales of marriage to bore me with. Me with my crazy and sometimes fun stories that they can live vicariously through. Today I now know we three will never be able to have those beers and laughs again. I should be able to cry, I should be able to feel sad....right? Yet this emotion I am stuck with is not it, and in a way I have found the one thing that truly frightens me.

For what kind of friend can I truly be if I can say " do not worry I will not shed a tear when u die " and not have any malice or ill will behind it? Those are words I would only reserve for my enemies but the thought is still there, and will I even be able to cry for my mother? What of my father? Being the only sibling that even calls him more than 4 times a year, I doubt any of the others would even care. Yet I know that this is a fear I can't not overcome will force, so I must simply say " this sucks " and move on.......

" Troublesome Dream "

This thirst inside of me that can never be satisfied, is burning like the sun. Flames of loss and rage threaten to consume the very fabric of my being. There is so much left for you to know and learn, yet it is no longer possible. Casting my guilty gaze away from your frightened lonely eyes, I try to remember this is only a dream. The dream that floats hesitantly in front of me, slipping througgh my fingers and ultimately dissappears in the morning light. We laughed like fools rolling around, wishing we could stay like that forever. Though we knew it to be impossible, everything could vanish our lives would end in a blinking eye. A person's memory could be such an unreliable thing indeed. Although I have forgotten an important one, dwelling on those of losing you is futile. I can no longer remember what you cried for, or what we laughed about. Yet I will never forget your blame on the world. Nor the large weight that rested on your small shoulders. At the end you just waited for the future that would be overflowing with my despair. Now that it is here, I have no need to wait for the demise of happiness. A shard of loneliness pierced through my armor, it now threatens to break and shatter my frozen heart. Inescapable dreams, inaccessible love this desire that can never vanish slowly rises to my surface. In this self realization the night has gotten colder, the winds have become harsher. Nothing in this life is ever easy, that is why I know I must fight through this nearing storm. I must not fail, I shall sacrifice everything to reach ou t further to where you are. A time where we again can meet and never part, that will be a moment to truly smile. For now I will be tormented by these dreams, only to have our final meeting taste all the more sweeter

" Promise Of Friendship "

While we wore the same smiles, we stood together as the world passed us by. You always had the ability to see through my fighting pose, offering a hand when I needed one. I knew where you would hide, when the abusive noises would carry through the air. Even if I showed off my strength and bravery, I could not have survived this long without you. Like a relentless wave hitting an indestructible dam, we will always try to calm the others storm. I want to throw away my useless pride, and just accept these things I can not change. The promise of friendship we made that time, I doubt it will ever fade from memory. Yet before we realized it, we had found our own futures and departed on different paths. Once more we had pledged to meet again shared a toast of time, then set out for unseen destinations. Even if you are at the other end of the earth, a place where I can not go. I know there will always be an unbreakable bond between us. Although at times you and I might get lost, we are always making progress. Like a boat that opposes the tide, we may be battered and bruised in our private journey. We must continue on through the riptide, for it is this that makes us stronger. Even when you have grown accustomed to the loneliness of the moon, know somewhere I see it's light as well. I need you to remember this one last thing, even as an adult somethings never fade with time. As this life goes on, I will never forget this vast land. Nor the many friends who I met on my journeys on it.

" Scarred Black Sheep "

Time flies by as I stare at this reflected image, it's canvas mostly shows me unwanted memories that seem to stand still. In this dream-like state of mind, all the actions I am put through are tiresome at best. Though the motivation is known to me for my sweet release from this torture, it is futile to even try. So I will constantly scar my skin to project only the darkness of my soul. For me to choose this path proves the only truth. I will always remain the black sheep of this genetic line, however there is no shame for it is who I am. During these moments of un obscured truths, nothing can free me from this crushing weight of reality.I can not give up now, I must have this wake up call known across this plane of exsistance. To always have such hate and rage over flowing from my core , is proving to be counter productive. Yet how to you tell a warrior fighting an inner war to put down his sword, to pick up a book and preach peace? No I know what am with all my flaws, I have no reason to preach but have every right to fight. Some mistake this reasoning, and my scars as a sign of weakness. They might think they have been formed a shield over my "Achilles heel" to protect me from unending pain. They do not know of the jealous angel who uses these fires to destroy all purity in my heart. In truth these marred sections of living flesh have become portals, for me to help those who need to see my inner dark shining soul. Or they shall be as warning to those who forsake me for the danger that lurks beneath my skin. There will be better days for me to cry, for now I must move on. For that one day had scared me to my core, and now I am no longer afraid. So now I will keep fighting till the day I die, maybe during this war I shall find where I truly belong.

My Three Hour Nap & The Blanket Thief

So I got to go to sleep early last night, but of course I only got a few hours of rest. It doesn't matter if I am shaken awake by dreams or not anymore. It just seems I can no longer sleep more then 3 hours in a row. While that is distressing it's nothing compared to the next, and yes I'm talking about the blanket thief. There are time where I can't get enough of this girl. She's got just the right amount of crazy, adventurous, just a little tomboyish, and already knows of the evil things I am capable of ( I have know her for over 4 years) . Yet at times those feel like the problems as well, it's difficult to explain. So I will just use the excuse that she steals my blanket....and took my pillows too last night. The real problem I see is that she has that cute innocent angelic sleeping face, so it's really hard for me to ruin such a peaceful moment. Yet I'm sure if she keeps this up I promise those nights aren't gonna last.

" Hope For A New Day "

All alone on the ferris wheel, looking down on the world I despise so much. Though I had my eyes fixed on them, I have lost sight of the stars. Never ending dreams on sleepless nights have my nerves wrecked. When the dawn finally comes they disappear, leaving me standing there alone once again. He who believes in the future is genuine at heart, as I think that I start to shiver. You told me once that I could not move anyone's heart. After cleaning my ugly soul, I do not see the truth behind your words. The past can not be changed, and it is futile to even try. Even while I rest, I can never stop the pain I have grown accustomed to. To open a new door, anyone would be scared and full of anxiety by the mere thought. However If I recall the times you stood by me, strength flows into me to heal my weary back. Faster then the darkening sky, I rush to the hopeful sky of tomorrow. There is no fear in my step, no matter how painful today might be. Everytime you hurry past, we hit and tear each other upon impact. Embraced in unclean, impure arms we felt the pain of the other's wings. In times you can not return and are lost, you turn your eyes downward.even the words you believed in are gone, and your color has left. Once yout tears begin to overflow, it is alright do not hold them back. Though th path is sad, there is light at the end of it. Looking back at my erased memories, I also had those same feelings. I am trying to conceal the painful reality, that shows me I can not be there for you to cry on. Mountains seem endlessly higher, when their pebbles are at your feet. People search within themselves, caught up on thinking of what never helped. If you are still falling into despair, there is one more thing I want you to know. I will be there for you whenever you might need me. You do not need to hide your fears from me. You are not alone, all your troubles have an ending. In the footsteps of those who have gone before, we can flee with no fear of getting lost. With trust and hope in our souls we will face down the darkness, nothing can stand in the way. I have one ally that is you, so do not give up on your dreams just yet. No matter of what trials and torments may greet us on this journey I am coming to tell you. How happy I am to have met you, my dear friend.

My Sweet Addiction And The Plan To Quit

Ok so I thought I would take a break from being creative and talk about something personal for a bit. Growing up my father used to smoke cigerettes, I couldn't stand it back then. I still remember the big plastic cup he had on the deck in the backyard that he used as an ashtray. It always seemed to be full of black water and cigerette butts, the smell was atrocious. For a couple of years for the science fair I used to work on the effects of smoking on the heart and lungs. Then my oldest brother was the one who also began to smoke, although for some reason it didn't bother me as much. Unfortionally it was my turn to take up the mantle of this addiction. I started to smoke when I was in Israel, although at the time it was more of a social habit. My smoking took a turn to a regular basis when we moved to Baltimore, for at times it felt like the only way to deal with the stress. Those topics I will touch on in another post. So for around the past year I have been thinking more and more about quitting, yet I really didn't give it enough motivation. That was up until last month when I saw an advertisement for a smoker study that could help people quit. Last week I was accepted into it, the study will last about six weeks. I am kinda nervous and excited at the same time, cause the " quit day" is this Wednesday. It seems a little quick and yet not fast enough. Anyhow hopefully this study will help me get rid of this habit, and I will have the willpower to stay away.

" A Tale Of Loss" * NEW *

When I look back, I can see the outline of your unchanging smile. I want to hear the truth from your voice. The choice of being with you again is no longer possible. For I can not flow back to the center of our time. Whenever I caught you eye, you taught me how I should be. You never had to force your smiles for anyone, so you grinned for my behalf. Hearing your voice did not always shake the foundation of my soul. Yet it is difficult to block out when coming from my memories. That day, the dark side of your face was present on the other side of the phone. I know that the words emerging from your mouth, had gotten you scared. As I look at the sky, it blurs faintly. My chest starts to pound painfully, when I remember that one time. That the eyes that beamed affection, had turned insufferable. Your face never showed the fighting pose you were about to take. I want to get over this constant pain, and somehow get closer to where you once were. The lovers I pass walk shoulder to shoulder, now that you are gone I feel it's biting cold. I assumed I would always be able to make you smile. In that soft gentle way, like it was the day we met. All alone under this vast night's sky, I do not know what else to think of. I wonder how much time will pass until my suffering can end. That tragic event had derailed me, yet I am not lost nor is there anything to fear. Even under this ceaseless torture, I know I must continue on. For your words are nothing but lingering shadows from my past. Trying to search for your hidden face in a crowd, will only delay my healing. With that in mind I can be certain in one truth. There is no need for destiny, when tomorrow can shine powered by my own will. The thread of a dream you always talked about. Your favorite line that you saved for my ears alone. It would be easier to forget them all, yet I want to remember every single one. In moments such of this I am overwhelmed by memories of you, too tender and warm.

" A Family Of Deranged Minds "

With abnormalities of the mind, we are all one family. In this age we are the majority of the populace. We are the necessity to bring in the new era. This world has gone mad with the seven deadly sins of man. Somehave gone lazy with sloth, only moving to fill their gluttonous hunger. The very way of our survival has succumbed to the notion of lust, enticing us into the un-ending pit of wasteful things. While others try to feed their greed be watching us with envious eyes, biding their time till they strike. Even the leaders of this planet go on a wrath fueled rampage. When the useless pride is stripped from their blood stained hands. So I ask you my dear family, take to the streets and overcome these chains that bind us. Depression and anxiety will be our radars, to alert us of the back stabs that are sure to come. Sadistic and masochistic tendencies to increase our tolerance for pain, and return it three-fold to those walking corpses. Bi-polar and obsessive compulsive disorders to confuse, and distract our enemies who try to stop us from completing our goals. We shall make them rue the day, we were made to be as rebels and outcasts. For there is no obstruction they put in our way, that we can not triumph over together. Dulling all our combined senses to evil, continue to fight as if tomorrow will never come for us. Though we might be tainted by these evokes along the way, it is a needed self-sacrifice to push forward. We shall make them yield to give us a clear trail, as they are crushed beneath our relentless assault. So rage against the masses who deemed us unworthy, then watch them be swallowed by the darkness of their regret. Then this world will be led by a new brand of saints and sinners. Filled with the glorious noise of psychotic madness. Brother take that default and make it your own, then watch it fight alongside you. Sisters use that hinderance to advance through, see it shielding you on all fronts. As a family born of deranged minds, nothing shall stand to block our path. So join with me my siblings, and let us bring about the ruination of this dreadful time.

" War On Humanity "

The deeper the darkness the brighter the shine, right? If so then, I will convert my should to the blackest of all evils. This world of man is cruel and unjust. Keep watch over the eyes that behold hypocrisy. It is all a warning, from the tusks of punishment we go to kill our natural enemy. Be that as it may, I no longer have any desire to triumph over them. I shall swing my unholy sword amidst the flames. The smells of rotten flesh that belonged to the fallen are that of a minor annoyance. For those who walk this path of carnage can never re-trace their steps. With the light born of this new revelation, what might the truth be? Though it is sought out relentlessly, there is no foreseen end to this cage of chaos. One by one we are born into this blood soaked era. Only to be handed sword and shield upon exiting the womb. We then bare our blades against the bows of our " brothers" . Even if the world rots away, these troublesome wars will not cease. The world with it's red sky is now here, flowers are forever stained and withered. Trampled upon by the betrayer of mankind, who has no love for righteous virtues. With promises of greed in the typical future, he lures more of the ignorant masses into his command. His actions will most likely create an eternal war. For you can not fix the vice that will never vanish. I will not let any of them get in my way, it is simple to take pity. However without salvation, it leaves a hollow and bitter taste in my already hoarse throat. Under this demon sun solitude shall surely become my sole ally. As far eyes can see upon the volcanic plains behind me, all there is to be seen are the corpses of friend and foe. In this broken and corrupt world, I pledge to fight on until this body turns to blood red dust and smoldering ash. When this battle is finally done with the righteous staring over the wicked. I hope I still can rise to show you a world that can shine during midnight's hour. Then and only then, could I lay this devil sword to rest. Hanging my armor to wash, and walking into the new dawn

" Lost Religion "

What a terrible dream, no matter how mush I scream. She kept slipping away through my arms, disappearing into the darkness of my heart. Now that I can not find her, all I want to do is hold on tight and never let go. Even if on my travels I should get hurt, I will not give up the path that leads to her. I had been gazing at her stoic figure, what else was there to do but wonder. Scars that are over flowing with sadness can not be erased, as I try not to forget what I was once told. " Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Feel like you were just reborn. Face all like you were to live forever." if these were only a kindness then they can not heal my current self. Yet she was one in the world to give me such, and let me know boundless love. When I grew tired of crying and finally drifted into a light sleep, she was there to cover me in warmth. One day I will meet her in the end, when the final bell ceases to chime. In the flow of time the last smile twinkles as it dies, now only it's cold shadow is left behind. I had lost something important that day, and had my heart crushed by sorrow. Ceaselessly walking I try to engrave the world's memories with my presence. Supposing someone had been hurt by her crimson hands, there is no fault which I can find. I am always watching out to find her, for she is my reason to keep going. Throwing away everything I do not need, I can not yet give up the last purity in my heart. In a street blackened by midnight's sky, I wonder if all is lost to me. Even if I am by myself, far from this desolate city I know she will find me. Even if I do not remember a thi, she will remind me of what I once was. Yet what shall be done if I remember everything?

My Orginal Works

Now time to explain more on what you might be reading here. I am ( some might say always have been) a dark thinker. So happy fluffy feel good things are not what you are going to see here. Mostly I write about hate, rage, loss, and yearning. Some may portray my emotions behind them more clearly. While others will have a deep seeded " vibe" of those feelings. I don't exactly have an exact writing style which kind of leaves everything open for me to play with and experiment on. Now even though I have always been able to write to convey my thoughts better then speaking, there are two ppl who in ways do motivate me. One who if I would have to compare myself to any famous writer would be D.T, who was a famous poet/ alcoholic/ pyromanic. My close frieds would know the reasons I can see myself in him other the how I write. Then there is J.V a very disturbed mind who I may qoute from time to time in my personal thoughts ( non-writings), He is the creator of JTHM and I.Z. My major problem is though, that I am more and more running out of things to motivate me into writing. Not that I don't have things to write on but for the words to actually start flowing I need things. Right now I have yet to find the right key factor, for sometime now it has been dark fast and semi hard music. Yet I can see that it is starting to lose the wanted effects. I have also noticed that when I get like this everything I have wrote and was content with is up for revision. There was one piece that had five different versions, I finally picked the one I liked most and got rid of the rest. However now I'm not too sure about that one, which is really the reason I started this. Hopefully someone out here will be willing and able to give me some constructive criticism.

Introduction

Recently someone I know made an obvious realization come to light. When it came to my self proclaimed frame of mind and creative pieces ( which we will touch on later). While I did ( and still do) to him that I can be " showing " an outward personality full of hate and rage, there should be no reason where I can not be happy as well. For if one can hate an emotion as love, why can not I love the feeling of hate? Normally I will not be talking about the events of my life, for they are somewhat meaningless in attempt to stick with this website. Yet if there is something I need to get out it will most probably be put on here. On the subject of me being " happy " and not showing it. There is not much to really say on that, I just find it is an easier way to survive. For misery loves company and if others were to see me happy they would surely be tempted to drag it way from my hands. The one thing that I will stress and I have seen all over every kind of book, is to be happy with yourself. I may not have my ideal job, or be living where I really want to be. I am happy for one aspect and that is my choices have made me who I am, and will always bring me into tomorrow.Now back to the aforementioned " creative pieces " , they are really they sole reason for me to be starting this. For a couple of months now I have been writing regularly, and posting them to my private profile. Only to feel as if only a few friends read them, and yet even from those few none really have the ability to offer the feedback I desire. Guys if you are reading this I'm sorry, I don't mean anything harmful by it. So the best I am hoping out of this is to find some feedback that could help my writing elevate to a higher level. The worst I can expect, no one else reads it and it is all a waste of time.