" Voice Of A Nation "

With our holy places desecrated, with the vilest scum of the earth of human knowledge. Those were dark days for us among the rest of the populace, making us fear for our religon and lives. Amongst the silence of the world a small battle cry started to emerge, slowly growing louder like a thunderstorm over the horizon. This voice was carried louder by the growing few who would not stand to hide in the blackness. They began to brighten the way for the rest of us only to have then heavens shake with our collective cry. We overcame that despot and evil tyranny by showing him his last " light", then showed the world here we stand united as one. Later days we were faced with an evil " rat " who wanted to destroy us more then our faith, and we faced the anger of a once friendly faces. Now it was the voice of one, who rose to create a plan of action. Which with the help of another awoke the ally we had in a king to come to our aid. In the end a fledging tree of peace was planted, with the rat's demise as it's first fruit. This made us rise up and show the world we can be an ally even if becoming something we are not for a day or two. Not to long ago an entire nation took up this tragic mantle, not to conform us but to make us extinct. Now our collective cry for help started, small at first like a new born child. As it grew louder and stronger it awoke the tree that was planted long ago. Not bringing us help from one but a few nations, who said enough. We though we are safe, yet this is exile. So now we face an even more horrendous evil, nations who want to wipe us out. Who not only want our home, but our blood. They do not care about changing us it is the simplest hate man can know. The memory of the most recent fallen innocent victims are proof of this. This happened shortly before our day of pretending to be what we are not. Now please listen to my voice, cry out and shout alongside me my family of faith. It is time to remind the world of who we are, the tree seems to be dying. Make them remember we are the oldest of nations. We may not be worldly loved, yet do not fear because history shows we out live our trials. Those who have come to destroy us have met their demise. It is still the day of joy in our home. So show your smiles, talk of pain and suffering while while your teeth shine. You might wonder why, I say cause this too will end and we shall celebrate again. Though on this planet we might be alone, in faith we are truly one family and this is something to be known

" Eye Of My Storm "

I have become numb to the normal view of saddness, all that I have left is the despair of it's loss. Though love and joy still have an exsistance in my cold heart, they are constantly over-powered by hate and boundless rage. Recent events have awakened the combination of them both, I now stand within the " eye of my storm ". My sight is no longer clouded, my hands are steady for action. Yet I am at a loss, feelling powerless to avenge the innocent is not a pleasant emotion. I will not shed a tear, I shall no pray for outside answers. I know I have no way to exact vengeance upon the evils that occurred , so I seek answers from my storm. Only this pen and paper is my power, so I shall try to show my voice to the world. It is simple to place blame for these repugnant actions. It is easy to say it was meant to be for some karma-like reasoning. However the hardest thing that can and must be done, is to find acceptance and move on. For now there is little that can be done by this rage fueled mind, it can only project this though to the rest of you. We live amongst the heartless villains of this planet, and they have become invisible to the rest of the world. Oftenly crying when justice is given for their devious ways. There is no nation that can help us, we do not have an army we can call our ally. So with this morbid realization, there seems to be only one conclusion. We must become our own to protect our own, and we shall be a force to be feared. Student and teacher shall take up arms, we will show to the rest how we have won over countless generations. Though we will have to throw away our morals, and sink to the level of these childish attacks of the vermin. The one's who can find joy in their horrific unjust backstabbing. For then we shall show them how we play this game of war, we will show how we win. To leave no stone intact, make no city safe for these lepers of the human race. They are the decaying black tumor on our world, and we are the surgeons to save it. For on the same field of war, history shows they can not out live us. With memories of the fallen, we will carve through this suffocating darkness. This will bring the world it's light , that the rest so desperately long to see.

My weekend mid day nap

So once again I was up for almost 20 consecutive hours till I decided to take a couple pills to help me sleep. It's not that I can't sleep it's that I have very vivid dreams , ones that I can remember for days on end. So I fight it cause even though I know that my past makes me who I am, I don't like reliving those memories. These meeds I'm given are supposed to make for a dreamless sleep or make it that I can't remember them.....needless to say it's not working. I woke up how I normally do after one of these dreams. I jerk awake like I just had a nightmare in a cold sweat my sheets are wet from it, and I have been crying. Yes I know before I said I don't dry out of sadness I should revise that statement. When I'm awake and running my daily life and I feel like I'm gonna cry it's like a switch shuts it off. I'll feel my eyes well up and water my nose will start to run, and then " bam" nothing it's like it never happened. Yet when I sleep apparently this is not the case, which in a way makes me somewhat relieved for I know it isn't a physical condition. What troubles me is that it's a mental one, and pyscoligical scars are harder to heal then of the flesh. Also I am in middle of a major case of writters block. Nothing in my head is connecting, I have the thoughts but when I have the pen ready to write all that comes is junk. Now more then ever I feel like I need to, cause when I do it's like a purge. So many things have been going wrong lately , and it's taking all of my energy just to go on day to day. Quitting smoking followed by my auto accident which has me on painkillers and muscle relaxants. Then a friend of mine passes away, top it all off with the lack of work and no money it's just all adding up to quickly. So things that suck right now, no friends nearby , no job, running outta money, and can't even count health at the moment. Things look bleak but I gotta keep my head up, I have always been able to find humor in dark places let's hope I can do it now. Ild love to end this entry on a brighter note but two things.... That isn't me and life doesn't always work that way. So bye for now hopefully things will turn around soon.

And another one bites the dust......That sucks time to move on

First I should probably apologize to the dead for this title, but I'm sure all but two would find that funny. Okay as you might have guessed by the title and last sentence this one is about the friends and family I have outlived, and the apparent effects it has had on me. This has been brought about by a close friend of mine who has passed on today. While speaking to his mother while trying to get a vehicle to take her to the air port to collect his remains, I had noticed something very troubling in my attitude. Just to explain one thing real quick, I don't get " emotional " easily now to give an example. You wake up Sunday morning weekend has been going great you have Monday off and all is looking good to you, so you sit down to eat breakfast and read the paper. On the front page you see the was a shooting on a street you used to walk down on the way to school everyday for 12 years of your life. You start to go cold then you... Cry? Scream? Shout? Become inconsolable? That's the majority reaction, me I don't get that I always think " that sucks " and I move on with my day. I always thought though if it's someone close to me, someone I truly cared about ild be able to cry, and shout, and scream yet today for the third time I have been shown differently.

Counting the people I can remember losing ( and having any kind of emotional impact on my life ) I can count six. The first was my grandmother ( dads mom ) that had turned me from a ........well half innocent angel to a full blown evil demon. I think I was around 7 or 9 at the time, and it was my first experience with death. Then was a close classmate of mine I was 15, both of the loner breed we kinda just hung out together. Though he was born sick and everyday he was alive past 13 was a miracle according to the doctors it still was a shock to me. I vividly remember all the fights I got into because all these people claiming to be his friends showed up to give their support the day he needed it the least. It took me 3 months to give my condolences to his parents and siblings, every time I got to their steps I was over come with panic and ran the other way. Then it was her turn, and I know this was my turning point. Now I'm not gonna lie to myself and say it was the perfect time of my life, and nothing will b as good as it was. Because it wasn't, we had fights, we would split up for months on end. Yet somehow we always knew we were meant for each other and forgot and forgave quicker then you could imagine. When she passed, I was a wreck thankfully I wasn't around family so much, so they didn't see the drinking and fights that follow for a couple of months. Then one day I when I realized my alcohol tolerance had gotten to be the level reserved for Irish dock workers, that I had to slow down. That living like that would never help, that I had to move on cause the world wasn't going to stop for me.

That is when my " cold indifference " started, slowly at first accidents and the like and then towards death. Though I was remotely troubled by it I had told myself " when I know them I'll feel bad" . Then my grandfather died, a man who I didn't have the best relationship with... But I still loved him. Yet I couldn't cry, I didn't really mourn the typical way. All I had was this new kind of anger and self loathing that I couldn't process this a healthy way. Certain it would build up and in a few months I would snap behind some poor fool who bump into my arm. I never did thankfully, but I never shed a tear for him either. Then there was this kid I was a mentor to who..... A year after I left the town he lived in he took his own life. You would think that would make me cry, or even have pangs of guilt for not seeing this potentially happening? Again I felt nothing but anger and disgust in myself for being separate from everyone else. Now it was Matt a guy who instantly when I moved here became like a brother to me, and I to him. The first person who made this " forced relocation" to Baltimore seem alright. Sure it has been almost a year since we were able to meet up for drinks to catch up, him and his wife free from Maryland with tales of marriage to bore me with. Me with my crazy and sometimes fun stories that they can live vicariously through. Today I now know we three will never be able to have those beers and laughs again. I should be able to cry, I should be able to feel sad....right? Yet this emotion I am stuck with is not it, and in a way I have found the one thing that truly frightens me.

For what kind of friend can I truly be if I can say " do not worry I will not shed a tear when u die " and not have any malice or ill will behind it? Those are words I would only reserve for my enemies but the thought is still there, and will I even be able to cry for my mother? What of my father? Being the only sibling that even calls him more than 4 times a year, I doubt any of the others would even care. Yet I know that this is a fear I can't not overcome will force, so I must simply say " this sucks " and move on.......

" Troublesome Dream "

This thirst inside of me that can never be satisfied, is burning like the sun. Flames of loss and rage threaten to consume the very fabric of my being. There is so much left for you to know and learn, yet it is no longer possible. Casting my guilty gaze away from your frightened lonely eyes, I try to remember this is only a dream. The dream that floats hesitantly in front of me, slipping througgh my fingers and ultimately dissappears in the morning light. We laughed like fools rolling around, wishing we could stay like that forever. Though we knew it to be impossible, everything could vanish our lives would end in a blinking eye. A person's memory could be such an unreliable thing indeed. Although I have forgotten an important one, dwelling on those of losing you is futile. I can no longer remember what you cried for, or what we laughed about. Yet I will never forget your blame on the world. Nor the large weight that rested on your small shoulders. At the end you just waited for the future that would be overflowing with my despair. Now that it is here, I have no need to wait for the demise of happiness. A shard of loneliness pierced through my armor, it now threatens to break and shatter my frozen heart. Inescapable dreams, inaccessible love this desire that can never vanish slowly rises to my surface. In this self realization the night has gotten colder, the winds have become harsher. Nothing in this life is ever easy, that is why I know I must fight through this nearing storm. I must not fail, I shall sacrifice everything to reach ou t further to where you are. A time where we again can meet and never part, that will be a moment to truly smile. For now I will be tormented by these dreams, only to have our final meeting taste all the more sweeter

" Promise Of Friendship "

While we wore the same smiles, we stood together as the world passed us by. You always had the ability to see through my fighting pose, offering a hand when I needed one. I knew where you would hide, when the abusive noises would carry through the air. Even if I showed off my strength and bravery, I could not have survived this long without you. Like a relentless wave hitting an indestructible dam, we will always try to calm the others storm. I want to throw away my useless pride, and just accept these things I can not change. The promise of friendship we made that time, I doubt it will ever fade from memory. Yet before we realized it, we had found our own futures and departed on different paths. Once more we had pledged to meet again shared a toast of time, then set out for unseen destinations. Even if you are at the other end of the earth, a place where I can not go. I know there will always be an unbreakable bond between us. Although at times you and I might get lost, we are always making progress. Like a boat that opposes the tide, we may be battered and bruised in our private journey. We must continue on through the riptide, for it is this that makes us stronger. Even when you have grown accustomed to the loneliness of the moon, know somewhere I see it's light as well. I need you to remember this one last thing, even as an adult somethings never fade with time. As this life goes on, I will never forget this vast land. Nor the many friends who I met on my journeys on it.

" Scarred Black Sheep "

Time flies by as I stare at this reflected image, it's canvas mostly shows me unwanted memories that seem to stand still. In this dream-like state of mind, all the actions I am put through are tiresome at best. Though the motivation is known to me for my sweet release from this torture, it is futile to even try. So I will constantly scar my skin to project only the darkness of my soul. For me to choose this path proves the only truth. I will always remain the black sheep of this genetic line, however there is no shame for it is who I am. During these moments of un obscured truths, nothing can free me from this crushing weight of reality.I can not give up now, I must have this wake up call known across this plane of exsistance. To always have such hate and rage over flowing from my core , is proving to be counter productive. Yet how to you tell a warrior fighting an inner war to put down his sword, to pick up a book and preach peace? No I know what am with all my flaws, I have no reason to preach but have every right to fight. Some mistake this reasoning, and my scars as a sign of weakness. They might think they have been formed a shield over my "Achilles heel" to protect me from unending pain. They do not know of the jealous angel who uses these fires to destroy all purity in my heart. In truth these marred sections of living flesh have become portals, for me to help those who need to see my inner dark shining soul. Or they shall be as warning to those who forsake me for the danger that lurks beneath my skin. There will be better days for me to cry, for now I must move on. For that one day had scared me to my core, and now I am no longer afraid. So now I will keep fighting till the day I die, maybe during this war I shall find where I truly belong.