" Demise Of Hope "

Glory has turned into ash, and is swirling in the whirlpool of oblivion. Lost in saddness, I constantly struggle to rise up against it to find my way. These bloody memories seem like they would haunt me till the end of my days. The demise of hope will never permit the blissful silence to return to me. My last slumber showed me a monochrome vision with no end. So I desperately seek a way to escape from this twisted dream. Even though I have ler go of everything I had once possessed, I find myself looking for you. This cold shell feals nothing but the pains of loss. A long time ago I threw away all hope of us together again. Now I know that the path back to that vivid peaceful time is lost. Like dawns first light, it fades into day once released. Yet there is still something here, inside this frozen chest of mine. Numb to everything, I should start to gather all of my scattered emotions. I am begining to learn the designs of which true sorrow has in store for me. As the memories of you fade, they take away your warmth I have known. Leaving only a darkness that envelopes my black heart. Even if there commes a time where I am my sole ally, I will survive. When everyone becomes my enemies, and I can no longer find you in my mind. That will be the lands barren of all hope, which will be a land full of unspeakable pain. There is nothing that can shake my demonic heart from this futile resolve.

Haunted memories

Where to begin.... I know I am very protective of my family and friends but on a certain level it would be cut off where I was able to step aside. Yet for one it has been difficult to do that with, in a way it's reassuring . I know u'll read this sometime or other so I just wanna say it's ok, I don't mind. Tonight during ur latest crisis I heard something that made it all click. In many ways u remind me of "M" , it's difficult to explain so let me try. In many ways I felt like she was my salvation, always trying to better herself. No matter how many times she got trampled on she never once said " screw this I'm done" rather " how can I do it ". So I guess subconsciously I see her in u and feel the need to be there to help you stand when u fall. Do not get this wrong this isn't a confession of love...we have already clarified on that subject. This is more of a desire that u understand where I truely come from, I guess in a way I kinda see u as my salvation as well... There is so many things I have in my past which I do not regret, that will always stain my hands. However the way I c it, if I can help u maybe, just maybe there is hope for me yet. Even if I have to go back to who I was to help chase away trouble-some things , I'll do it with no quams. So please know that I truly mean it whenever I say "no prob" or the like, ok this is starting to get too touchy feely on me. I'm out, peace

" Behind The Veil " *NEW*

The veil that covered my disturbing actions covered by shadows is vanishing. The time for me to finish everything I have started, and must accomplish is nearly here. Like this season of bitter cold uncaring tears, I fear my time may be coming to an end. Yet my mind waver while counting the undistinguishable corpses that were vanquished by it's war games. These hands have almost decayed completely to the ivory white bone, that lays underneath the remaining blistered flesh. Even now that the skin barely remains, It seems these vivid bloodstains will not be cleansed. This heart that used to beat with excitement and compassion has died, only a withered black comparison resides in it's cage. The treachery of old friends and deaths of former allies have formed this unfeeling brute standing in front of you. Though as this husk of my former self, I have met ones more admirable then thise of my past. Surrounded by new allies and kindred spirits, I know I currently reside in impenetrable solitude. Fighting these in wars alone seem like walking through a field of barbwire, yet it most be done. No matter how much is accomplished, no matter how many fall by my blade all I seem to do is wound myself. This is not the time I change my dark ways, for I know that scars will form only to help in upcoming battles. So searching the skies with my tired bloodied eyes, I wait for the raging storm upon the horizon. Grey clouds bursting with doom and grief hover low above my body as I prepair to take a fighting pose. Unknown to my current mindset if it is this sleeping town or the arduous journey ahead. My constantly raging inner shadow has become uncommonly silent, for the first time in close to a decade I feel at peace with war. Finally I have been able to reach this rotted out inner temple, the only dreaded place where my demons come out to play. For the battle that us about to occur I must become of the like, allowing my former corrupt morals to take over. Raising an unholy hell I shall paint this town red with the smells of unfiltered carnage. Empty answers are offered and immediately viewed as moot, for they tempt me with a salvation I no longer desire. This world has proclaimed to know the darkness within me for one too many tines. The time has come for me to break free from these mortal coils of right and wrong. For my moment has begun now I shall show my true form, and show this planet how very unjust it has been.

" Voice Of A Nation "

With our holy places desecrated, with the vilest scum of the earth of human knowledge. Those were dark days for us among the rest of the populace, making us fear for our religon and lives. Amongst the silence of the world a small battle cry started to emerge, slowly growing louder like a thunderstorm over the horizon. This voice was carried louder by the growing few who would not stand to hide in the blackness. They began to brighten the way for the rest of us only to have then heavens shake with our collective cry. We overcame that despot and evil tyranny by showing him his last " light", then showed the world here we stand united as one. Later days we were faced with an evil " rat " who wanted to destroy us more then our faith, and we faced the anger of a once friendly faces. Now it was the voice of one, who rose to create a plan of action. Which with the help of another awoke the ally we had in a king to come to our aid. In the end a fledging tree of peace was planted, with the rat's demise as it's first fruit. This made us rise up and show the world we can be an ally even if becoming something we are not for a day or two. Not to long ago an entire nation took up this tragic mantle, not to conform us but to make us extinct. Now our collective cry for help started, small at first like a new born child. As it grew louder and stronger it awoke the tree that was planted long ago. Not bringing us help from one but a few nations, who said enough. We though we are safe, yet this is exile. So now we face an even more horrendous evil, nations who want to wipe us out. Who not only want our home, but our blood. They do not care about changing us it is the simplest hate man can know. The memory of the most recent fallen innocent victims are proof of this. This happened shortly before our day of pretending to be what we are not. Now please listen to my voice, cry out and shout alongside me my family of faith. It is time to remind the world of who we are, the tree seems to be dying. Make them remember we are the oldest of nations. We may not be worldly loved, yet do not fear because history shows we out live our trials. Those who have come to destroy us have met their demise. It is still the day of joy in our home. So show your smiles, talk of pain and suffering while while your teeth shine. You might wonder why, I say cause this too will end and we shall celebrate again. Though on this planet we might be alone, in faith we are truly one family and this is something to be known

" Eye Of My Storm "

I have become numb to the normal view of saddness, all that I have left is the despair of it's loss. Though love and joy still have an exsistance in my cold heart, they are constantly over-powered by hate and boundless rage. Recent events have awakened the combination of them both, I now stand within the " eye of my storm ". My sight is no longer clouded, my hands are steady for action. Yet I am at a loss, feelling powerless to avenge the innocent is not a pleasant emotion. I will not shed a tear, I shall no pray for outside answers. I know I have no way to exact vengeance upon the evils that occurred , so I seek answers from my storm. Only this pen and paper is my power, so I shall try to show my voice to the world. It is simple to place blame for these repugnant actions. It is easy to say it was meant to be for some karma-like reasoning. However the hardest thing that can and must be done, is to find acceptance and move on. For now there is little that can be done by this rage fueled mind, it can only project this though to the rest of you. We live amongst the heartless villains of this planet, and they have become invisible to the rest of the world. Oftenly crying when justice is given for their devious ways. There is no nation that can help us, we do not have an army we can call our ally. So with this morbid realization, there seems to be only one conclusion. We must become our own to protect our own, and we shall be a force to be feared. Student and teacher shall take up arms, we will show to the rest how we have won over countless generations. Though we will have to throw away our morals, and sink to the level of these childish attacks of the vermin. The one's who can find joy in their horrific unjust backstabbing. For then we shall show them how we play this game of war, we will show how we win. To leave no stone intact, make no city safe for these lepers of the human race. They are the decaying black tumor on our world, and we are the surgeons to save it. For on the same field of war, history shows they can not out live us. With memories of the fallen, we will carve through this suffocating darkness. This will bring the world it's light , that the rest so desperately long to see.

My weekend mid day nap

So once again I was up for almost 20 consecutive hours till I decided to take a couple pills to help me sleep. It's not that I can't sleep it's that I have very vivid dreams , ones that I can remember for days on end. So I fight it cause even though I know that my past makes me who I am, I don't like reliving those memories. These meeds I'm given are supposed to make for a dreamless sleep or make it that I can't remember them.....needless to say it's not working. I woke up how I normally do after one of these dreams. I jerk awake like I just had a nightmare in a cold sweat my sheets are wet from it, and I have been crying. Yes I know before I said I don't dry out of sadness I should revise that statement. When I'm awake and running my daily life and I feel like I'm gonna cry it's like a switch shuts it off. I'll feel my eyes well up and water my nose will start to run, and then " bam" nothing it's like it never happened. Yet when I sleep apparently this is not the case, which in a way makes me somewhat relieved for I know it isn't a physical condition. What troubles me is that it's a mental one, and pyscoligical scars are harder to heal then of the flesh. Also I am in middle of a major case of writters block. Nothing in my head is connecting, I have the thoughts but when I have the pen ready to write all that comes is junk. Now more then ever I feel like I need to, cause when I do it's like a purge. So many things have been going wrong lately , and it's taking all of my energy just to go on day to day. Quitting smoking followed by my auto accident which has me on painkillers and muscle relaxants. Then a friend of mine passes away, top it all off with the lack of work and no money it's just all adding up to quickly. So things that suck right now, no friends nearby , no job, running outta money, and can't even count health at the moment. Things look bleak but I gotta keep my head up, I have always been able to find humor in dark places let's hope I can do it now. Ild love to end this entry on a brighter note but two things.... That isn't me and life doesn't always work that way. So bye for now hopefully things will turn around soon.

And another one bites the dust......That sucks time to move on

First I should probably apologize to the dead for this title, but I'm sure all but two would find that funny. Okay as you might have guessed by the title and last sentence this one is about the friends and family I have outlived, and the apparent effects it has had on me. This has been brought about by a close friend of mine who has passed on today. While speaking to his mother while trying to get a vehicle to take her to the air port to collect his remains, I had noticed something very troubling in my attitude. Just to explain one thing real quick, I don't get " emotional " easily now to give an example. You wake up Sunday morning weekend has been going great you have Monday off and all is looking good to you, so you sit down to eat breakfast and read the paper. On the front page you see the was a shooting on a street you used to walk down on the way to school everyday for 12 years of your life. You start to go cold then you... Cry? Scream? Shout? Become inconsolable? That's the majority reaction, me I don't get that I always think " that sucks " and I move on with my day. I always thought though if it's someone close to me, someone I truly cared about ild be able to cry, and shout, and scream yet today for the third time I have been shown differently.

Counting the people I can remember losing ( and having any kind of emotional impact on my life ) I can count six. The first was my grandmother ( dads mom ) that had turned me from a ........well half innocent angel to a full blown evil demon. I think I was around 7 or 9 at the time, and it was my first experience with death. Then was a close classmate of mine I was 15, both of the loner breed we kinda just hung out together. Though he was born sick and everyday he was alive past 13 was a miracle according to the doctors it still was a shock to me. I vividly remember all the fights I got into because all these people claiming to be his friends showed up to give their support the day he needed it the least. It took me 3 months to give my condolences to his parents and siblings, every time I got to their steps I was over come with panic and ran the other way. Then it was her turn, and I know this was my turning point. Now I'm not gonna lie to myself and say it was the perfect time of my life, and nothing will b as good as it was. Because it wasn't, we had fights, we would split up for months on end. Yet somehow we always knew we were meant for each other and forgot and forgave quicker then you could imagine. When she passed, I was a wreck thankfully I wasn't around family so much, so they didn't see the drinking and fights that follow for a couple of months. Then one day I when I realized my alcohol tolerance had gotten to be the level reserved for Irish dock workers, that I had to slow down. That living like that would never help, that I had to move on cause the world wasn't going to stop for me.

That is when my " cold indifference " started, slowly at first accidents and the like and then towards death. Though I was remotely troubled by it I had told myself " when I know them I'll feel bad" . Then my grandfather died, a man who I didn't have the best relationship with... But I still loved him. Yet I couldn't cry, I didn't really mourn the typical way. All I had was this new kind of anger and self loathing that I couldn't process this a healthy way. Certain it would build up and in a few months I would snap behind some poor fool who bump into my arm. I never did thankfully, but I never shed a tear for him either. Then there was this kid I was a mentor to who..... A year after I left the town he lived in he took his own life. You would think that would make me cry, or even have pangs of guilt for not seeing this potentially happening? Again I felt nothing but anger and disgust in myself for being separate from everyone else. Now it was Matt a guy who instantly when I moved here became like a brother to me, and I to him. The first person who made this " forced relocation" to Baltimore seem alright. Sure it has been almost a year since we were able to meet up for drinks to catch up, him and his wife free from Maryland with tales of marriage to bore me with. Me with my crazy and sometimes fun stories that they can live vicariously through. Today I now know we three will never be able to have those beers and laughs again. I should be able to cry, I should be able to feel sad....right? Yet this emotion I am stuck with is not it, and in a way I have found the one thing that truly frightens me.

For what kind of friend can I truly be if I can say " do not worry I will not shed a tear when u die " and not have any malice or ill will behind it? Those are words I would only reserve for my enemies but the thought is still there, and will I even be able to cry for my mother? What of my father? Being the only sibling that even calls him more than 4 times a year, I doubt any of the others would even care. Yet I know that this is a fear I can't not overcome will force, so I must simply say " this sucks " and move on.......